Thursday, September 30, 2010

Calling Home

Being around 700 miles away from home has it pluses and minuses. When I was single it was a little tuff being on my own. If there was a problem I had to take care of it myself and if I did happen to call my parents when something went wrong I would get a reply like “What can we do about it, we are in a different state.” Also, I didn’t get the benefits that a lot of people get when they first move out of their house. Things like dropping by the parent’s house to visit and you just happen to have a bag of laundry to do, or going over to say hi to mom and checking out what leftovers she has in the refrigerator. Dad is not able to help get the car started and too far away to fix the toilet that over flows. But the plus is that they are around 700 miles away, which means no surprise drop bys.

I love my parents; they brought me into this world after all. But being the youngest of three, sharing a room with my oldest brother, in a house with one bathroom, I was ready for a little privacy when I moved out. Not that I lived an exciting life as a bachelor. If they were to give a surprise visit back then they would find me just sitting on my couch, balancing a frozen pizza on a paper towel on my leg, trying to keep the cat from sticking his head in my glass of Kool-Aid, while watching the Disney Channel. That’s right I knew how to live the single life. But what they would also find would be the pile of laundry on my bedroom floor, stack of dirty dishes, and an indescribable smell coming from the bathroom. So it was nice having a phone call a month or more in advance, warning they were going to come for a visit and having a 700 mile cushion to clean the house. Even though when they got here the first time they were surprised to find out I didn’t own any wash clothes or dish towels. Why would a single guy need those?

So since I moved out I’ve tried to call home at least once a week, and I hear about it if I forget. I get this message left from my mom, sounding like a kid that just lost her puppy, saying “I haven’t heard from you in a long time, I hope you are alive, I’m worried some Mexicans might have kidnapped you.” So over whelming guilt comes over me and I call home. A typical phone call involves; my dad trying to put a dead frozen cat in a trash bag, mom counting how many tomatoes she is growing, and my uncle’s dog ate his fake tooth, and their recent purchase of a phone that plays the “The Star Spangled Banner” when it rings. This is what I miss out on being 700 miles away from home. But I’ll admit I still miss them.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Early Christmas Shopping

Another Monday is here. Another work week has started. Yet another day that I sit in my four cubicle walls looking like one of those caged puppies in the pet store, hoping someone will pick me and get me out of here. I am not complaining about my job, I’m thankful for it. It allows me to eat every night and pays for the place where I sleep. But after nearly 8 years at the same place doing the same thing, it becomes a little monotonous. Every once in a while something different happens that makes the work day a little different, not better, but different. Like today, when I got to the office this morning I was greeted with the horrible aroma of what smells like sewage. This bring a new meaning to the old saying, “Different day, same old @*!?$”

So my wonderful wife points out to the social networking world that Christmas is only 3 months away. Since getting married I have found Christmas shopping for my friends and family to be a lot easier. When I was single I would wait till the last minute and just buy whatever was left on the shelf that didn’t look like I waited till the last minute to pick it out or, the gift card. The gift card is such a wonderful invention. It took me all of 15 minutes to do my Christmas shopping. But the last two Christmas my wife has handle the shopping for my family and friends. I don’t even know what some of them get until they open the present. It is awesome, I don’t have to be among all the loving Christmas shoppers with their spirit of generous giving. I say that sarcastically, we all know that Christmas has turned into a time of seeing who can buy the better gift that they can’t afford, hoping they get the same in return. But I’ll save Christmas shopping for another blog.

I now have three months to decide what I need to get for my wife. I did not know there were rules to this. I just found out that unless requested you don’t get anything that plugs in, and nothing that she might need or use everyday for household chores. So this makes my shopping a little harder. I’ve always wanted at least one thing that either requires batteries or it has some assembly required on Christmas day, guess that is just the kid in me. So now begins the stress of getting that gift to show my love for my wife and how much I appreciate her. No pressure here. The gift needs to say I notice how hard you work to keep our house clean, cook our meals, and keep up with the laundry. It also needs to say I love you and glad you are in my life. Personally I think a cordless circular saw with a laser guide says it all. Hey, you don’t plug it in and she won’t use it everyday for household chores.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Stupid people.

I think a law should be passed that will allow someone at least once a week to slap another person for being rude or doing something stupid. I think it would eventually eliminate some of the problems in our world. At some point everyone would end up getting a good whack in the back of the head (including myself) and maybe start to think twice before they did something stupid. We could soften the blow and pass out Nerf baseball bats.

I would begin in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Really almost any parking lot will do, but Wal-Mart’s lots seem to really bring in a certain breed of people. I was getting out of my car after risking my life to find a space, (the arrows on the ground are there for a reason people) while walking to the store I saw a car about to back up. So I started to wait for the person to back up, because apparently a memo went out that pedestrians don’t have the right away anymore, but the person never backed up. So I thought it was safe and started to proceed behind the car, and then the person decided to back up right when I took my first step behind them. I stopped, took a step back and waved at the person to go ahead and back out. They never moved or saw me, and they didn’t continue to back up. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and went forward again. I was half way behind the car when they decided to start to back up. Their bumper was basically on top of me and I had to run across. They never stopped, just kept on going like I was invisible. That person needed a whack with a bat.

I don’t spend a lot of time in Wal-Mart. I try to get in and get out. I just needed one thing. Wouldn’t you know it, there were 10 people with carts in the aisle I needed to go down. Of course all of them were smack in the middle and just staring at the stuff, not putting it their carts or even looking around. Just staring like they were waiting for that smiley face thing to come flying by to drop the price down, I was polite and said excuse me. But, no response, I tried to nudge my way through, nothing. I eventually had to reach over someone to get what I needed and I get the look of death from some women who obviously needed to be in the toothpaste and mouthwash aisle. Then I get bumped from behind by someone that needed to go try the stuff in the health and diet aisle. All that was going through my mind was my Nerf bat and WACK, WACK, WACK. Some people make it really hard to love thy neighbor.

Monday, September 20, 2010

clothing

A strange occurrence happens to guys when they get married. Their old wardrobe and choice of clothes suddenly becomes very outdated and does not look good enough to wear anymore. When I was single I had my favorite shirts; I mean trusty, old shirts that I had in high school. I figured that even though it may not fit that well, if I just pushed up the sleeves or tucked it in just right no one would ever notice. I didn’t care that the grey shirt I had was once green a few years ago, it still look good with my jeans. I also didn’t care that someone could tell by the faded spot on the back pocket of my pants was where I put my wallet. Or, that maybe the bottom of most of my pants looked like they had just gone through a shredder because they looked a little worn and torn. All I cared about was that they looked liked they fit, and they were comfortable. I’ll admit, when I was single I sometimes didn’t care about the last time they were cleaned, they seemed to smell ok.

Then I started dating my wife. I paid a little closer attention to what I wore. I didn’t want her to think I was a total slob. I would put my clothes in the dryer with some fabric softener right before I put them on to make sure they smelled decent. Or I would attempt to get most of the wrinkles out by putting some heavy book on them or hanging them in the bathroom while I took a shower so the steam would get to them. I heard no complaints from her about my attire while we were dating. But I didn’t catch on to her master plan. On birthdays and holidays she would give me clothes as gifts. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, I mean they seem like appropriate gifts for people who are dating. I also knew I probably needed some additional clothing and choices besides the weekly same 5 shirt rotation.

But then we got married and I started to notice that some of my long time friends were disappearing. For every new shirt or pants I got, two of my old friends went missing. I didn’t even have the chance to say good bye. I thought she liked my style of clothing, but apparently I was wrong. All those gifts of clothing I was getting while we were dating were all part of her master plan to take over my closet. Now I really don’t mind getting new clothes, in fact since getting married I’ve notice I’ve gotten a lot my complements on my wardrobe. But, the problem sometimes occurs when I am picking out something to wear when we go out. I’ll put something on thinking its fine; she bought most of it for me anyways, only to get the comment “Are you going to wear that.” Apparently not, so I go and change into something else. Again, the same comment or “You know you have other shirts besides that one.” I don’t know how divas like Mariah Carey do it, I don’t like going through a bunch of wardrobe changes. So finally after many frustrating moments, my wife and I have come to the agreement, that if she doesn’t like what I have on in the first place, to just pick put what she wants me to change into. But sometimes I miss some of those old clothes; we had a good run together. Even though I probably looked like I never got out of the 80’s or 90’s.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

TV viewing

With fall quickly approaching the new TV season begins. Guys are given a very unique talent; they can watch at least 5 TV shows at the same time. It takes timing to know when to switch between shows during commercials, balance to hold the remote at just the right angle so your arm does not get tired, and endurance to sit for hours and not have to use the bathroom. Most women don’t have this skill. They scan through each channel, pausing at each one to see what the show is about and determine if it is wroth watching. Then they leave it on that channel, because some commercial comes on that they end up crying over.

When I was single there was no problem figuring out what I was going to watch. I was master of the remote and could watch it all. The problem comes when you get married and you have to determine what satisfies both parties. We fortunately like most of the same things; some comedies and dramas. She’s a football fan so that does make Sundays easy to decide. But she likes History and older movies. Back in the day if I came a crossed a show that mentioned a date or a past president, it didn’t take me long to switch the channel. Now we have to pause to see what subject they are talking about, something that I probably had trouble staying awake for in high school. Meanwhile I could be missing Jack Bauer beat somebody into confessing a secret or seeing some old has been actress trying to revive their career by dancing in a dress that they have no business wearing. Come on, that is important stuff!

So we try to compromise and find something we both enjoy. We do have a TV in almost every room of the house. But, what is the point of being married if you are just going to spend all evening watching TV in separate rooms. We do like most of the same TV shows. The advantage I have is that my wife is not a late night person and typically will fall asleep during any movie. So the other night “Gone with the Wind” was on. It’s one of her favorite movies, but not one of mine. I knew she was not going to be awake very long. So I was the good husband and let her keep it on that channel, knowing about 15 minutes later she would be sound asleep. Then the remote and TV would be all mine. Hello old friends, I got over 100 channels let the surfing begin.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Projects.

This weekend was a busy weekend and I accomplished something big. I did two projects this weekend and didn’t lose my religion once. I have sawdust running through my blood. My father knows his way around power tools and his dad made a living using them. So when I hear the roar of a drill or a saw fire up I get a little excited. I even enjoy watching all the home improvement shows, even though my dad thinks they should all be called, Watching Paint Dry.

I didn’t really get to use any major power tools this weekend, other than my drill. The first project I did was at my church. For some reason the pastor wanted a bobcat on stage. So I and a few other guys had to take some doors off of the church and drive the bobcat in. So I had the job of moving some plywood around and making sure the guy driving the bobcat had enough clearance to get around objects and through doors. Even though I don’t drink, it felt like a beer commercial; bunch of guys, power tools, and a big tractor. Maybe it was because we were at church, but I was surprised that no one lost their temper or even slip in a cussed word. It was a job well done.

Then that afternoon when I got home the wife and I were going to put the cover on the pool. So I was a little tired, it was hot, and putting the cover on the pool is not the easiest thing to do. I just knew we were going to need marriage counseling after this. I must admit when I do a project and things do not go my way I get a little frustrated and use a few colorful words. So my wife knows it’s best to just leave the area code and come back when I am done. But I needed her help with this one. I was impressed we worked like a great team, got the job done with ease, and still wanted to be married to each other at the end. My wife had to make the wise crack and say it was because she was in charge. I kept my mouth shut and remembered what a good friend of mine said to me about marriage; you can choose to be right or you can be happy. After her comment I chose to be happy.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

typical work day.

I was off Monday, but this has been a long work week. Friday needs to get here soon. Hope the weekend goes by slow. Ever notice that even though there is 24 hours in every day, it sometimes feels like some days go by quicker than others. Or, it just stands still. In my office we have what we like to call the 3 o’clock zone. It is that time of day that just seems to take forever to get through. It is the same 60 minutes as any other hour, but it just drags and drags.

Between 8:00 am to lunch, time goes by pretty quickly. Your busy getting your day started and drinking your coffee. Then lunch will fly by as you rush out to beat the traffic to get to your local grease pit, only to sit in a drive thru waiting on the moron in front of you to decide what they want. News flash; the menu has not changed since yesterday, there are only so many ways they can make a hamburger, adding a large diet coke does not make it healthy, and it’s not that hard to say a number two with cheese. So you get back to work with about 15 minutes left to eat. The next hour is uncomfortable, wishing you had the salad instead of super sizing the meal to get a few extra fries. I think they add cocaine to french fries to get you addicted to them. Two o’clock roles around, you start to realize the co-worker next to you had the bean burrito again. But, you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel to go home.

Then 3:00 pm hits…. Time seems to stop. The boss just laid down a bunch of work that he forgot to give you that morning and of course it needs to be done by the end of the day. So you are working hard, feeling as if you have been busy and you think it is probably after 4 o’clock. But no, only 15 minutes have gone by. So you try to get some more work done. You finished most of the project you were just given. Feeling a sense of accomplishment of putting in a full days work, you glance at the clock and it is only 3:30 pm. The day seems to never end. Finally, 4:00 pm roles around; you think you deserve a break, you worked hard. So you take a quick peek at your personal e-mails, see what important stuff you missed on Facebook, someone sent you a video you just had to watch. Feeling a little guilty you decide to get back to work. Looking at the clock it is 5:05 pm. Better hurry and leave to sit in traffic for an hour, which will feel like three.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

End of Summer

Just finished a nice vacation, it was relaxing and fun. Which is why I missed Monday’s usual posting. We spent Monday at the pool for one final fun in the sun. It kind of marks the last day of summer and we will be closing the pool this coming weekend. Now begins fall, which means Christmas is just around the corner. I know this because walking through the stores; they have on display the Halloween pumpkins, skeletons, and candy right next to Santa and his eight reindeers. It looks like some sort of weird Wrestle Mania event. Who would win the smack down between Frosty the Snowman and Frankenstein? It’s not even Halloween yet and you can’t walk into a store without feeling like someone is going to shove a candy cane down your throat.

When I was a kid, this was the time of year when I was deciding which teacher I liked, who I was gong to sit next to in the lunch room, and finding out which bathroom stalls at school had working locks on them. Even though I don’t think I sat on a school toilet once from kindergarten to 12th grade, afraid of who had just sat there before me or who might kick the door in while I was using it. I feared the swirly. The fall was also the time to think about who I wanted to dress up as for Halloween. Not that it matter what your costume looked liked. When you grow up in northern Ohio, chances were that it was going to be cold outside and your Superman or Zorro costume was going to be covered up by winter snow gear anyways, only exposing the silly shoes or makeup you were wearing.

But now as an adult, the fall brings thoughts of getting the house and car ready for the winter and wondering if you can get out of dragging all the winter stuff out of the attic. At least football season is about to start. Also my personal favorite, sweat pants weather, there is nothing better than sitting around in some comfortable sweat pants. I mostly enjoy wearing them because of the elastic waist band that stretches as I put on weight preparing for my winter hibernation on the couch. Of course, you have to start making your Christmas list. Not for you to send to Santa, but the list of gifts that you need to buy for your family and friends. Even though if you’re a guy you’re going to wait till the last minute anyways and buy the cheapest thing that is left on the shelf.

Goodbye Summer, it was a fun one.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Reruns

Today begins my vacation. So far I got to sleep in, not rush in the shower, and enjoy my breakfast. Normally I get up at the last possible minute (after I hit the snooze button twenty times), hurry up to get ready for work and walk right out the door. My wife will make me a breakfast that I eat when I get to the office. So this morning has been nice and relaxing. My cat seems to be happy that I am home, he is sleeping next to me as I flip through the channels to begin my state of vegetation today.
As I do my channel surfing, I discovered that I am not missing anything on day time TV. You have a choice of Morning talk shows with corny jokes, workout programs (not going to happen), and infomercials. Who really needs a towel that will suck all the water out of a swimming pool or a food cooker that looks like R2-D2 is sitting on your kitchen counter. Well that last one does sound pretty cool. But my point is there is nothing on TV in the mornings. Then I came across TV Land, it was like finding the holy grail of old TV shows. The A-team, Golden Girls, and (Oh YES) Save by the Bell.
We were not completely innocent, but we at least had some decency, We had violence and high school romances. But on today's TV for teen, they seem to have trouble keeping their clothes on. Even though the A-team shot thousands of rounds of bullets, there was no blood and no one died. Now there is a cult following of teenage undead and streams of blood. Being attracted to the same sex was either not heard of or made fun of on TV. Now it seems 80% of the population is gay. I wonder whatever happened to Kelly and Zach?
So I could be wrong, but it seems that in the days of good clean TV, things were better. A dollar could get you more than a item on a $0.99 menu. When you graduated from college there were jobs available that didn't require you to say "Would you like fries with that?" Families were able to afford a home and keep it. Maybe it's not just our TV viewing that has changed things. Now there is no prayer in schools, debates if the 10 commandments should be posted in goverment offices, and people going to courts to take God out of our pledge to the flag and off our money. Instead of trying to recreate the TV and movies of the past for this generation to enjoy, we may just need to give them back our Creator.
Deuteronomy 7:9-11 "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keeps his commandments, to a thousand generations, and repays to their face those who hate him, by destroying them. He will not be slack with one who hates him. He will repay him to his face. You shall therefore be carful to do the commandment and the statues and the rules that I command you today."